Leaves of Lothlorien
by Melime Lady of Light
Summary: This is a PARODY, if you do not like stories like the Very Secret Diaries By Cassandra Claire then I seriously suggest that you do not read this. These are a series of emails written by my friend Nimhithriel and I where Galdriel and Leggie have an affair
1. Love is in the air

Author's note. Hey everyone, this is my first time publishing things on ff.net. These series of letters were written by me and my friend Nimhitriel. We are real best friends who go to school together. In our group, we each have a LotR character that we dress up like. Mine is Galadriel and hers is Legolas. I do have a thing with Legolas so we started this joke that the two were having an affair. I do not own Lord of the Rings, Legolas, (oh I wish I did) Galadriel or any other character mentioned in this story. And yes, my friends and I need help but small town, bored teens, can you blame us? * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
It all started not too long ago. The fellowship had just arrived in Lothlorien. Legolas is so hot; he has been on my mind. My husband lost interest in me a long time ago and prefers to have not so secretive affairs with servants and soldiers. So you can imagine my delight when while on my nightly stroll, I discovered Legolas and my March Warden Haldir, embracing in a secretive part of the Golden Woods. Threatening to tell his father, Legolas gave in to my demands as long as he could continue his secret meetings with Haldir, I was generous. That is how it all began.  
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Galadriel! Lady of Lorien! Since I have kept MY part of the bargain (to your pleasure, I'm sure) ; ) It is now time for you to keep yours. I shall be gone on errand tomorrow, but upon my return I expect to find your March warden ALONE in some secluded spot of the Golden wood. Awaiting your reply, Legolas Your Prince  
  
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Dearest Prince of Mirkwood, I have to agree that you have kept your part of the bargain (which has brought me much pleasure). I will keep my end of it as well You can meet your precious Haldir in my own private chambers (I'm sure that you know the way) I hope that you have fun on your errand (even if it means leaving me here). I know that you'll enjoy yourself afterwards! All my love, Galadriel, Lady of the Golden wood and QUEEN (take that, Aragorn!) of Lothlorien.  
  
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Darling, Am very thankful for your generous offer! How long do you think we will have? I need to know this in order to plan my evening properly, you see. By the way, in response to your kindness, I have a bit of information you might want to hear: I understand that a certain young hobbit, Pippin by name, has shown extraordinary promise in * conversing * with elves. I believe that maybe you should take him under your wing (so to speak) before that disaffected, unshaven, flea-ridden, and smelly human who is after my ass gets him. Just a suggestion. Love, Your Prince  
  
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My Darling Prince, Everything is set up so that you and my Marchwarden can have your little rendezvous. I have arranged it so that my husband will be off visiting our son-in-law and our granddaughter and the servants have been informed to not  
  
venture into my quarters. So, while you are with my Marchwarden, I will be by my mirror, making sure that my husband and others stay away. Your Loving, Galadriel, Queen of Lothlorien and Lady of the Golden Woods.  
  
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My Lady! Thank you most kindly.cannot wait 'till tonight.I'd wish you an evening as pleasant as mine, but that is nearly impossible, huh? Only Haldir could claim one as such. Thank you again, Your Loving Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood 


	2. Fears and Complaints

Hey Thanks for everyone who reviewed the first chapter. Nimhithriel: Patience my love. Good things come to those who wait. Thanks for coauthoring this with me. Love ya lots. Haldir's Heart and Soul: I really appreciate your review but because of religious beliefs, I do not write slash. Sorry to disappoint. I hope that you will continue to read.  
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So my new toy departed from my lands to face dangers untold and hardships unnumbered. Oops wrong movie, so sorry. I missed him terribly especially with Celeborn's newfound love for the dwarf Gimli turning him into lazy, love sick fool. I really should kill him. We continued our communications through letters, (Privately of coarse because apparently some stupid pervy dwarf fancier thinks that it is ok for him to have an affair but not for me) and I watched him daily through my mirror. Haldir is now my favorite companion and confidant for we now have a common topic to discuss, but sadly it was not to last. I received a communication from stupid dark haired son-in-law saying that he needed troops from Lothlorien to help fight at Helms Deep. Haldir being march warden had to leave. The following letters were before Helms Deep. Note to self, hobbits rather cute, perhaps will keep a few for self.  
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Dearest Prince of Mirkwood, I hope that your time with Haldir was enjoyable. I scheduled a last minute concert so most of my subjects were there instead of wandering around. I took your advise and rescued the hobbit Pippin from that smelly, flea infested human that seems to think that he is good enough for my only grand child. I really shouldn't allow them to wed, it will only dilute my family's line even more (stupid Elrond). Well I hope that you had fun last night. Lovingly, Galadriel, Lady of the Golden Wood  
  
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My Darling Galadriel, Thank u for setting up a WONDERFUL evening...Haldir and I got to *know* each other quite well, and it was very *enjoyable*. Have you found the hobbit to your liking? You must share the wealth, you know! Also, try and keep your husband in check! Haldir had confessed last night that he was heavily beset by Celeborn while attempting to bathe...if it helps any, the Marchwarden has 2 brothers...maybe if we got Celeborn drunk, he would not Be able to tell the difference....very, very drunk, as Haldir is by far the prettiest of the Guardians of Lorien...though not as pretty as me of course....Agree about the human...he is most persistent - why pick on me? There are enough boy toys to satisfy at Rohan! Hell, even the slut of Meduseld has taken to him, the "sheildmaiden" - and he always has Gimli, yet its "Legolas, help me put on my armor", "Legolas, wear this poke bonnet" "Legolas, why don't you try on these new trousers I bought you? Right NOW?"... Got thoroughly annoyed when he became so demanding as to almost lock me up in the rancid caves of Helms Deep, saying I was by far to pretty to fight...my butt(like granite!)...Trying to get Haldir all to himself, he is... in the end acted on pent up lust for Marchwarden and hired an orc to make Haldir collapse, so that he (conveniently behind him) could catch the Elf... could do nothing, as was constantly followed by Gimli....stupid dwarves - cannot even unbuckle belt properly - what a nuisance! I am sure Arwen could do much better than that fleabag! awaiting your Reply, Prince Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, The prettiest.  
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Chere Legolas, I am so glad that you had a wonderful evening with Haldir. I agree that my husband can get a little out of control. He first confirmed my suspicions of him cheating when I discovered him shagging Gimli in our bedroom and in result of their little session, I had to have several repairs made to the chambers because lord knows that that room sees NO action at all. When we were first married, I had to get him drunk before he would ever help me conceive a child and then no more. That egomaniac thinks so highly of himself, he just doesn't want me to have a male child in fear that the child would some day take over the kingdom, even though it did make child birth a  
  
little easier seeing the look on his face during the entire time. It's not like he rules the kingdom anyways I do almost all the work he just does the  
  
political crap. Unfortunately I was forced to remove the hobbit from my kingdom for he distracted too many of my servants, soldiers and subjects therefore taking attention away from me. (the Prettiest) I sent him to live with stupid son-in-law. You trust the life of your ONLY child to a 3/4 elvish king and what does he do? His lack of security measures cause her to get kidnapped by orcs, tortured and killed. And now granddaughter is going to marry hobbit obsessed flea ridden human with 1/16 of elvish in him. I swear if I ever have another child, it will marry a full blooded elf with hair of gold and silver. I am so sorry for complaining so much, it's just all the stress of packing up an entire kingdom and moving them overseas is starting to get to me. I have to do it all and whenever I ask Celeborn to so much as lift a finger it's, "but darling I have so many important matter to attend to." "Sweetheart, you know that I would love to help but..." Yeah he's busy all right, busy shagging dirty dwarves and trying to seduce poor Haldir. By  
  
the way, my husband did not want to send Haldir to the battle of Helms Deep, But Haldir flashed me a look saying that he'd rather go then have to stay here and continue to ignore my husband's advances. I hope that everything is going well. Your Loving, Galadriel, frustrated Queen of Lothlorien. PS. Attached is a photo taken from the last Royal Elves Convention. Notice how Celeborn stands away from the rest of us like he is too good to be with the  
  
rest of us. Excuse me who bears a ring of power hear???? OH yeah ME. Your Lady, Galadriel  
  
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Cherie, I am sorry that you have to have the weight and worry of a moving kingdom on your shoulders now, .but just think - we won't have smelly humans or dwarves, or unpretty orcs in Valinor! It will just be our kind! I think it is worth it! Also, maybe if we smuggle Arwen there, That fleabag "I'm meant to be king" human wont be able to get to her! (Or to me...) On the minus side, no hobbits in Valinor... ah, well...we must make memories now, I guess! I, too, am not exactly singing with happiness - after a nice jog across Riddermark (human tried desperately to keep up and dwarf lagged behind looking at my butt) we met up with another half-descent human with a band of brigands on horseback...it wasn't until he nearly speared us, insulted elves, and hit on the dwarf left right and center, that I could get a good look at him...Well, let me tell you! The blatant attempt to copy my hairstyle went all wrong, and he looked absolutely ridiculous without his helmet! He also gave us only 2 horses to ride, the bastard, and I was stuck taking Gimli, as Aragorn needed to "check for signs of the little ones"...pervy hobbit fancier if there ever was one! The dwarf's hands kept drifting, and all in all it was a very unpleasant ride... Gandalf's back, by the way - says hi... good job on his laundry - who had any idea that his gray robes were actually white underneath? He said he had changed the name to "Gandalf the Grey" so as to avoid being called "Gandalf the Unclean"... but sparkly white now! On our way to "Meduseld", the supposed "capital" of this provincial land...as if anything here could even pass for a town! Will write again upon reaching this "Meduseld" that is, if will be able to fend off the human's advances and get rid of Gimli... so I doubt highly that you will hear from me before the night... I wish sincerely that I could be with you now, my lady... By the way, I could not help but notice; you qualified yourself as the prettiest, while that title rightfully belongs to me! Please relinquish it and return to the proper owner, as I AM the Prettiest! And I look better holding water pitcher than u do, too! What battle of Helms Deep? He's going off to battle? Well, can't blame him, really...Celeborn rather frightening...personally, left Lorien with fellowship b/c was frightened... Write back soon, my love! Your sweet Prince of Mirkwood, Legolas  
  
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My Prince, I think that you misinterpreted my words, I merely stated that I was the prettiest in Lothlorien (except for when you are here.) It is hard moving an entire kingdom to Valinor but it will defiantly be worth it. I do hope that my son-in-law can convince my only grandchild that she is better off with an elvish man and without a dirty human that doesn't bathe himself. Speaking of bathing, this morning when I passed by the royal bathing chambers, I herd some disturbing laughter that sounded like Celeborn and some squealing, along with the distinct smell of strawberry bubble bath. Figuring that it was none of my business, I returned to my usual morning activities but I did notice that one of my soldiers was walking quite strangely and he reeked of strawberries. poor child, he was barely a man! Feeling sorry for the child I put him on the next boat to Valinor with a large group of ladies in waiting. I am sorry that you are having a harsh time out in the wild! Personally, I would hate to be out there with promiscuous unshaven humans and dwarves. I have an idea for you. Pretend to be into the scruffy dirty bas....I mean future king. This will make the dwarf extremely jealous and eventually one of them will push the other off of a cliff, thereby ridding you of his presence. I will close this letter now because I have another ship to send over to Valinor. This group is a bunch of builders and glass workers to rebuild my kingdom just how it was here. I enjoy Lothlorien and do not wish  
  
to leave it, so it will be rebuilt in Valinor, complete with soft moss like  
  
grass all over the place; shoes are so constricting, don't you think? I hope that everything gets better for you. Your Loving Queen of Lothlorien, Galadriel  
  
Ps. Forget about what I said about Helms Deep, I keep forgetting that no one else can see the future but me. All you should know is that everything will  
  
be all right.  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
Here, communication was interrupted as the Battle of Helms Deep and other events happening in Middle Earth at the time made it impossible to send letters to distant lands  
  
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	3. An Invitation

Happy Sad Singles Awareness Day to one and all. I haven't updated in a while do to the fact that I was battling some depression but I am doing better and in celebration of this Hallmark Holiday, I bring you Chapter 3 of Leaves of Lothlorien. Oh yeah and if you do not like this I respect your opinion but PLEASE DO NOT FLAME ME. I really don't like being mean to people might really be nice people but if you insult me I will defend myself with an equally if not more cruel response and I am not a mean person, really. Before you read, I would like to stress that this story is a PARODY based loosely on Cassandra Claire's Very Secret Diaries which are based on the movies. It is not for the serious book reading Tolkien fans, especially ones with NO SENSE OF HUMOR WHATSOEVER. Anyways, thank you to my loyal readers. This chapter was written by Nimhithriel and I sometime in August, it was inviting me to one of our movie nights that our group loves to have in celebration of the release of the extended version of the Two Towers. We got dressed up and watched the movie then went on a slight adventure through the beach and woods near our friends house, it was a lot of fun.  
  
Nimhithriel: Thank you for being the best best friend in the whole world and for picking me up when certain cold, frigid, evil people made me feel bad. I love you more than words can say.  
  
Haldir's Heart and Soul: Yes a little imagination can go a long way ;)  
  
Nevdoiel: I am so sorry if what I write made you feel the need to release the contents of your stomach for the world to see. If you had read the subject matter carefully which I suspect that you didn't, you would have seen that it was a PARODY. I think that it is unfair of you to accuse me of "butchering characters" when I couldn't possibly have butchered them as have not even read the books yet. But I have started and am currently somewhere in the middle of chapter one. Your review also led me to think that if you even do have a sense of humor which I am suspecting you don't, it sucks. Your review was really encouraging to a first time author. Would love to hear what you think but since I have blocked you from reviewing my stories, I won't. I hope that you don't take it personally. A little constructive criticism has made me even more determined to finish posting it. Thanks.  
  
Midnight Lady: By your short review of um... I suspect that you are confused and I am sorry if it is not clear and I will try and improve on making it clear. My real friends and I all have roles of LotR characters that is mainly what this is about. This story actually started as emails between my best friend and I. We get really bored and live in a semi small town so this is what we do instead of drugs and other destructive kind of things. Thank you for reading anyways and I hope that this makes it a little more clear. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Ah the battle of Helms Deep, that was most entertaining to watch. It looked a lot like the mortal sport of football. Although it was a shame that so many elves had to die among men. Was a little afraid for my march warden when he "fell down" and had to be embraced by that dirty human who is supposedly the heir of Isildur. But never fear, Haldir will recover he is currently recovering in Rivendell until he is strong enough to be returned to his home. Time passed slowly for me without letters from my dear prince I fell into despair until finally, a letter. It was an invitation to join Legolas, Arwen, Pippen and Aragorn, Strider or whatever his name is at a party or "council" as my son-in-law likes to call them, was a little sore that I was not invited to the last council but at least Elrond will not be in attendance.  
  
Darling Galadriel - I feel I must warn you. The flea infested dirt-bag who is unfit to wear anything, much less the crown of Gondor, and I are attempting to organize a gathering in honor of the release of our favorite adventure (august). We plan on inviting the young hobbit, Pippin (who is always SO much fun...), Your Highness, and Lady Arwen - the latter is in grave peril. The human feels that he ought to get some form of revenge for Lady Arwen's last letter, which was rather scathing if I remember correctly....so, umm - I think care should be taken to hide our letters and not mention anything to the mortals, though Arwen, indeed should be made acquainted with them. I remain, ever yours,  
the Prettiest,  
Prince of Mirkwood,  
your Legolas.  
  
My Dearest Legolas, I very much look forward to seeing you for this celebration. As for the human, if he lays so much as a finger on my grand daughter, I will shove the horn of Gondor straight up his ass, then we'll see how kingly he is. As for  
  
the hobbit, I have never experienced just how fun he can be, but I have heard stories. He better watch his back because the last time that I saw him, he was claiming that you were his, when you clearly belong only to myself and Haldir. I am counting the days until I see you again. Your loving, Galadriel Lady of the Golden Wood  
  
Queen of Lothlorien  
  
and Prettiest Female.  
  
***************************************************************** Here, communication was once again interrupted as the hard, uncertain times and new events made it impossible to send letters to distant lands  
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